Marriage

Yesterday, my husband had a rotten day at work. He forgot to do something he was supposed to do, and his boss gave him a talking to. So last night, I listened. I made him a real treat for dinner, and sent him off to work this morning with a message in his lunch. This week, the weather has been bad for my headaches, so he's done his best to help out - treating me to dinner on Tuesday, and bringing me water cut with a little bit of lemon juice to help me cool off every evening.

My marriage is mixed - that is, my husband and I come from very different backgrounds, religiously, socially, many ways. My whole town growing up was smaller than his grade school - and we lived a few miles out of that town. He had never had grits or fried green tomatoes or listened to bluegrass before meeting me. I had never gone to the opera or had a pierogie before meeting him. Now experts will tell you that communication is especially important in such marriages. I'm here to tell you that it's important no matter who you're married to. Every marriage involves two people who grew up in different homes, different families - okay, except for some royal marriages where they all seem to have the same great-grandparents.

Being married to my husband has given me a chance to grow - to learn not only about "city ways", but about being patient and really listening, about trusting someone to listen to me, to learn about my ways, to become part of my family. And beyond the whole finding out about each other, we've gotten to discover stuff together. Lampworking, reading various books together, advanced Latin grammar, that little vegetarian Indian place around the corner, the walking path that leads to a grade school playground...

The last time I saw my brother, we were talking about how society gives a preferential status to my relationship with my husband over my brother's relationships with his boyfriends. Even before we were married, my now-husband was able to come into the active part of an emergency room to see me after I'd had a dangerous drug reaction. When I was in university, a nurse even gave information about my health status to a male friend who had just driven me to the clinic. To make things worse, they didn't give me the same information.

For my brother, the issue isn't same-sex marriage, it's basic security - security in person, in property. Being able to walk down a street, holding hands without being called names, without being attacked. And I have to agree - I want that, too, but I think the way we achieve that end is to acknowlege the element of caring, of love that can be present in all relationships and to give the same opportunities to express that love and caring to all couples. I think we need to get government out of the business of marriage - that's between a couple, their religious community, and god or gods. I, for one, am more than willing to have my only legal status in that regard be a "civil union" and let the issue of whether I am properly married or not rest with my husband, myself, and God.